Wednesday, October 15, 2014

And Then There Were Two...

Life with two children under the age of five is evidenced by this being nearly three weeks after my Fair post (well, it was when I started), which was about three weeks after actually going to the Fair. And when I try to put the experience into coherent thoughts, all I can come up with is some half-assed incoherent drivel. This sums up the experience pretty well:

(Ironically, I chose this picture because it made me laugh.)

In the rare moments between crying jags, this is what I've experienced so far:

* Surviving on only one meal, a beer, decaf coffee, and no water a day is actually possible.

* Living on three-ish hours of sleep a night is only possible for a few days before everything starts making you cry.

* You clean your kitchen in order to make room for another mess.

* Cleaning is nothing more than moving organized piles around the house in order to enjoy at least one clean corner of the house.

* Your days are broken up into 3-4 hour increments yet planning anything takes days and an overload of anxiety and you'll probably be too stressed that you'll end up cancelling your plans anyways.

* "Getting out of the house," means going to the grocery store.

* Being "given a break," means going to the grocery store by yourself.

* You live in fear of red lights because if the car stops moving, the baby will start crying.

* Depending on your point of view, you either look at your oldest and think, why can't you be younger? Or look at your youngest and think, why can't you be older?

* You feel good about the week if no one (excluding you) runs out of clean underwear.

* Your quest to have a television-less day lasts until 9:30am.

* The lives of your neighbors become exponentially more exciting. (We see you Miss Honda Pilot!)

* As much as you love your house, it is quickly starting to feel like a prison cell.

* Fast-food and take-out become an integral part of your food pyramid.

* You know God created bedtime for mothers.

* You may watch your favorite television program but not actually hear any of it.

* Book? What's a book?

* You only shower when people are coming over. (Leaving the house merely requires a few extra spritzes of perfume.)

* You envy your husband doing yard work because he can use both hands.

* Anyone speaking above a whisper is way too loud.

* Holding a baby or not, you can't stand in one spot without swaying from side to side.

* When Kathie Lee and Hoda is over you feel like your friends abandoned you.

* Your family blog has been up on blocks for the last few months.

* Doing things with one hand/arm should be in the Olympics but it's not because too many mother would tie for Gold.

 But, hey, I look like this so I guess it can't be all bad.

* No one can make you doubt your abilities as a mother and overall human being more than children.

* The day is considered a success if you've been able to not only prepare a meal for yourself, but have the energy to eat it, and eat most of it. Bonus points for doing this more than once a day.

* You cave on giving your toddler Oreo's way too quickly because it's some type of food substance and will keep her always-talking, always-asking-questions, always-making-some-kind-of-high-pitched-noise mouth busy for a few seconds.

* Talk shows and news programs become your TV go-to so it seems like you're having some kind of adult interaction throughout the day. They're looking at you and talking about things you marginally care about so it totally counts.

Although life with two children is a lot busier and more challenging, despite evidence to the contrary, the newest edition to our family really is a peach. But we conveniently forgot what Zoey was like as a newborn so this has been like riding a bicycle except we don't remember how to ride the bicycle. It surely doesn't help matters that Holden is an entirely different baby in the first place. So, as my fellow blogger, Becoming Dee, so eloquently put it when she was three months into her new family of four: "I was all 'durrrr.'" Supposedly there is some kind of reward to all of this....

....But I don't see it...