Wednesday, March 5, 2014

25 Ways You Know You're a Stay-at-Home Mom (And A Few More Just to be Sure)

Scary Mommy and her weary elephant are at it again with funny, accurate, and hapless observations (HERE). Naturally, I had my own.

1. Your kids ask where you're going when you brush your teeth.

2. You hide what you're eating so you don't have to share it with your kids (this works for everyone, especially if you're eating candy).

3. The house isn't any cleaner/more organized/decorated than when your husband left that morning. Or came home the night before. Or left for work the morning before. But, yes, you feel like you've been put through the spin cycle.

4. Having every room in the house clean at the same time is like nailing Jello to a wall.

5. Your husband considers your trip to the grocery store as your "alone time."

6. The days go by amazingly fast when you have the TV on all day.

7. You can't remember the last time you washed your hair.

8. Yup, your kids see you naked more often than your husband.

9. You're an ultimately happy person but want to strangle whoever created the alphabet song as you try to hammer it into your kid's brain that L-M-N-O isn't one letter.

10. Your mood depends on how garishly early your child woke up that day.

11. Cleaning becomes a priority when anyone without little children is coming over.

12. You wear your wedding dress and full make-up anytime you leave the house.

13. Sick or not, you'd need to be the last person on the planet in order to get any peace in the bathroom.

14. Your dogs bark when you put real shoes on.

15. You don't answer the doorbell unless you're expecting someone.

16. You know exactly what the weather is doing all over the world, including news and current events since the computer is your "coworker."

17. You check Facebook every 20 seconds.

18. You *think* you changed your underwear today but you wouldn't bet anyone's life on it.

19. You have the days until your husband's vasectomy numbered on your calendar.

20. The Swiffer, vacuum, and wood polish are in random, forgotten-about corners of the house, proof you did clean at one point in the recent past.

21. You know exactly what day of the week it is and what time of day it is; your TV schedule is pretty stringent.

22. It's 9am and you'll watch Sesame Street whether your kid is around or not. Cookie Monster starring as Cookieness Evereat in The Hungry Games? Bert reading Fifty Shades of Oatmeal?! I mean, c'mon.

23. You gave up on multitasking after the millionth time you had something on the stove and got distracted and forgot about it and almost burned the house down. On a related note, your 3-year old is incredibly self-sufficient.

24. The cup of coffee you're drinking at lunch is the cup you made at 5:30am, just reheated for the 100th time (if you haven't forgotten it in the microwave).

25. You check the clock every 30 seconds as it gets closer to bedtime.

And a few to add....

26. When you're not doing the dishes, you're making new dirty dishes.

27. You've turned into everyone's mother, telling them when they need to go to bed, things to eat, schedules for the day, and the best way to deal with "bullies" at work.

28. Even if you didn't have it stuck in your head during the day, your child's programming theme songs suddenly pop into your head in the middle of the night.

29. You *are* the Neighborhood Watch.

30. You can set your watch to your dogs' schedule.

31. Although you cook everything, the last time you had a hot meal was the last time you went to a restaurant. Which was last year.

32. If your child is awake and the house is quiet, you're about to find a disaster somewhere, somehow.

33. Despite the educational merit, you've forbidden your child from watching Dora the Explorer, Go Diego Go, Jake and the Neverland Pirates, and My Little Bitches Pony for fear your head might actually explode.

34. Although your wardrobe consists of a heavy pajama rotation, you find yourself with never-ending mountains of laundry.

35. You handle way more urine (among other things) than you ever thought possible.

36. People are genuinely interested and want to know what you did/do all day.

37. Everyone is excited and runs to the door when Daddy comes home. Everyone except you.