I know I've said it before - and thought it to myself at least a dozen times - but I really mean it this time. I never wanted to give this any attention (any more, at least), but this is what I do: talk about things and how they make me feel. So, tonight; on a very special episode of Blossom...
If you're a close, personal friend of mine, you'd probably vaguely remember if I brought it up the ridiculous drama that went down a few years ago: HERE and HERE. In short, friends who claimed to be my best, suddenly lashed out (for my part, I did do the quiet Facebook-friend deletion that got the ball rolling), rudely told me our friendship was over, accused me of being a bad mother, and begged me to go to rehab for smoking weed, all as a result of a bachelorette party weekend - the first away from my not-yet-a-year-old baby - where I exhibited moments of anxiety from being away from said baby. Being that these were females I was dealing with, they naturally gave me the silent-treatment for a month before launching the full-scale assault, asserting that it wasn't actually a sinus infection that kept us from her wedding but simply us "being pot-heads," nothing more than a grand assumption - and marijuana stereotype circa 1997 - on their part since they'd never actually seen where and how we lived, or even met the child I was accused of being a bad mother to.
I knew this day would come eventually, where I'd have to face some kind of communication. And as this girl even put it herself: "I wanted to apologize to you some
day. Today is the day." She apologized for, "all of the hurt that came out of the last drops of our friendship," and I can only assume she is referring to when she told me I wasn't worth bring friends with anymore since I was, "two clicks away from suicide."
But now she wrote to tell me that she saw my blog a few months back and was sorry to read about me having a miscarriage and everything that went with it. She told me she suffered a stillbirth a few weeks ago and was able to find comfort in my post and feel that she wasn't alone in everything she was going through. She said it was, "...kind of funny. The
furthest person from my world offered some sort of comfort through all
Huh. Funny isn't quite the word I would have used. More like,
"ironic," although "funny irony," is a term. Or, "this-is-why-you-don't-burn-bridges-for-no-reason." I'll
have to think of a word for that. I was a good friend, and I won't even put some spin on it and say, "I made my share of mistakes," because I didn't. I was a damn good friend who did a lot for them. I would have undoubtedly been a good friend during difficult times such as these but I was told more than once that my friendship and what I had to offer was less than nothing.
But all of this doesn't come from an
on-my-soap-box place; I'm not innocent of burning bridges, her's is genuinely a tragic thing to have happen, and there is a very good possibility I'm being mean and insensitive in writing about this. If I had been allowed to have just
disappeared into obscurity, there would have been more of a chance that - today
- I would have acknowledged her e-mail directly, rather than this way, and that I
might have had something nicer and more conciliatory to say.
I got over my initial instinct to reply with a picture giving the middle
finger, then began formulating every mean thing I could think to say
hadn't gotten out two years ago (this is why you don't respond within the first 12 hours). Once I reasoned that that wouldn't help
anyone, and that while I don't particularly like this person, I don't want to be the sort to set out to hurt people, I realized that this blog is not
only handy when googling anything about the Baby Merlin Magic Sleepsuit, it can also be used to cleverly
avoid things I don't want to engage in. Passive-aggressive? Maybe. But
the backbone to the creation of this blog was to over-share for those who gossip, and since all of this drama
boiled down to was making very harsh judgements about me and my family
with absolutely zero factual information, what better medium is there? I'm, like, honoring the spirit of the blog. And if I've learned anything from this experience and from my years on Twitter, it's that there
are certain people to never directly engage with.
Then why even
respond at all? I dunno. It's what I do with people I have a history with,
I guess. And when someone you've had a falling-out with says in an
e-mail, "I don't expect a response, so don't feel you have to send
anything back," that usually means they might not expect it, but they
sort-of want it (unless, of course, they've said mean, horrible things, then they're hoping they don't get it).
So why respond here? In public? No particular finite reason, just that I've written
about this on here before, there's evidence she reads this blog, and most important - at least to me - is that I don't actually *want* to
communicate with her. But I still feel compelled to respond.
Am I compelled to offer her some sort of apology in return? No.
I appreciate her reason for reaching out, and glad that my post is doing what was intended. To say I don't care would be a lie, but I care the way I do about a celebrity; it's a terrible thing to have happen and a really shitty turn of events in the way that it's shitty whenever bad things happen to anyone. She worked very hard to ensure that I didn't care about her, and I must care at least a little since I don't write about every celebrity's reproductive issues. But this acknowledgment and "response," - like discussing anything that happens to momentarily cross my universe, as I often do on this blog - is as far as it'll go. Like I said, I was compelled to do something. And you know me; if there is a chance I can create a lesson out of something, I will.
She said she honestly wished me well and over the course of the last
several days, I've tried to feel that way in return. That's not to say I
wish her ill; that takes too much effort and would only come back to bite me in the ass anyway. When it comes to her and her partner in my
would-be "intervention" two years ago, I don't wish....anything. They aren't in my universe.
People - and by "people," I mean the movies - like to believe that adverse conditions suddenly bring people together and wipe slates clean. I'm from the school of thought that we aren't meant to be friends with everyone and there are some people we should just avoid altogether; or - like I said - not engage with. Sometimes *that* is taking the so-called "high road." So, with this, I guess I'm taking the....medium road: giving the middle finger, but not *both* middle fingers.
I'm always glad I talk/write about things and I'm glad I chose to acknowledge her e-mail this way instead of through inappropriate pictures and/or foul language, (because - bigger-person, schmigger person - some people you just downright hate, for good reason, and saying mean things would just make you feel soooo good), which never works out for anyone.
Now - *telling myself more than anyone else* - I don't want to talk, think, or include any of this in my universe, but never say never. Things happen in life. I'm at least glad I got it off my chest and did....something. I'm sorry if it's not what you were expecting.
Now on to more pleasant matters.