Wednesday, January 16, 2013

The Supposed "5 Things No Woman Should EVER Do in Front of Her Husband"

I have a pretty set routine to most things, especially the internet (I'm afraid I'll get lost and accidentally wind up on some government watch list). I peruse the sites listed to the right, and have been reading a lot at The Stir lately. Sometimes it can get a little too "mommy," but it mainly covers news stories while offering the author's opinion; a coffee-talk.

For the most part, I enjoy the site, my favorite aspect being that the entire page refreshes with new posts about every 20 minutes. I also enjoy the marriage and relationship articles, though while a little hokey, do offer insightful information and ideas. This one in particular caught my eye, mainly because I was sure I committed every one of these faux pas with only having read the headline:

5 Things No Woman Should EVER Do in Front of Her Husband

My mom will tell you there is a much longer list of things you shouldn't do in front of your husband, farting being at the top. I have to agree with her, there is just something uncomfortable about air escaping your butt in front of other people, even doctors and people who think they're funny, which, I'm sorry, I just don't get. Ok, when you're baby farts, that's pretty funny. And when your dog farts and it scares him so bad he runs out of the room, that makes me laugh just thinking about.

No surprise, the top of this list is pooping. Ok, I don't understand people who think pooping *should* be a group activity, but for us, the group-poop was born out of necessity. We only have one bathroom and sometimes we need to be in there at the same time for different reasons. And we don't particularly *enjoy* talking about it but, again, sometimes it happens out of mere necessity. If you've been spending most of your day on the toilet only to find your partner is making enchiladas for dinner, honest communication might be the key to saving their ego and saving know. And this is all aside from the fact that it's written somewhere in the Mommy Handbook that you don't get 20 minutes of peace, even if you are pooping. I remember barging in on my mom, and here I am, 25 years later, trying to fend off dogs, a child, and even a husband who feels it's the appropriate time to walk in and ask which meat to thaw out for dinner. While holding them up to show you. Why is it that everyone only steers clear of the bathroom for upwards of 30 minutes when a dad is pooping?

Second, popping a zit. I think this is gross no matter who you are. And DUMB! Why is it that you can read girly magazines and hear it from people that popping zits just pushes the bacteria back into your face, and then still do it?! The mental image of that is enough for me to keep my hands away from my face.

Third, picking your nose. Again, this is a good rule for pretty much everyone, lovers and strangers alike. You know what it's like looking over at the other car in an intersection and seeing someone really digging for it. Kinda makes you throw up in your mouth a little bit. Unfortunately, you're bound to see your husband do this, or do it yourself, since, you know, you're in the privacy of your own home. You might even catch your husband - or yourself - casually wipe the goods on an article of clothing instead of a tissue....


Fourth, remove hairs. This baffles me. I get to watch him root around with a nose trimmer, but I can't pluck a few eyebrow hairs? Again, we only have one bathroom. And we have a certain set of standards that includes a certain amount of hair removal. Sometimes we save the environment and shower together and - as a creature of habit - shaving is part of my repertoire. He doesn't care two beans how I get myself to look the way I do, just that it's pleasing to him when I'm done. Chances are he's thinking of cars the whole time anyways.

Last, cut your toenails. I don't mind so much the cutting as what happens to the cut toenail. I had a boyfriend who cut them ON MY COFFEE TABLE. As far as him watching me - and me watching him - we'd never given it a second thought; it's not like we're a captive audience to our grooming habits. We're in, we're out, we're on with our more important things.

Unlike the poster, however, Jacob and I have only been married 2 and a half years, compared to her 10. I really hope there being circumstances where we had to poop in front of each other doesn't lead to our undoing...